lost...
It's been a while. Maybe I'm just writing this because I'm afraid. Afraid that if I let go of what is left of what I'm still holding on to from the past that my Identity will evaporate. Seriously, that is what has kept me afloat...No no..actually that's not right..The past has been killing me day by day for the better part of two years. I've gotten rid of most of it but I'm still struggling with some of it. Time is passing...life is fading. So many sins, but I've been told consistently that I'm forgiven. so all that's left is for me to fully forgive myself.
I made a decision, and I have to live with that. Looking back, as hard as it is to say this, my life is actually better because of it. Is that sick say though? to say that murder changed everything. The relationship had already failed this child was the only thing that could have "fixed" it. But, I wasn't gonna bring a kid into the atmosphere I was going through. Full of suicide. So I made a decision. ( my condolences to the mothers and fathers on here, god save you from such a day.)
The back lash or karma of this decision was complete darkness, a vacuum. But like I said It changed my life for the better; and if it's in the stars maybe the child will come back when we are ready. I've been lost for a long time because of this. eighty percent is gone. the last ten is proving hard to deal with, but, I can't keep reflecting on something I can't change and don't want to. If the Gods and Goddesses want to curse me for this fine. I'm done with it. I want to wake up and see the sun, feel it's warmth run through me again and find something in life to live for. It was an experience. The worst and best of my life. But it is time to get up, walk away and leave it in the past.

This may make no sense to anyone and that's fine. However, recently, I have been working backwards through the faith and uncovered who I really was. I am just an ordinary everyday guy who for the last six or seven years has had a almost obsessive interest in The Art. I can not give you a date when I started practicing, because I don't think I have ever really practiced. As far as I can tell from what I have done and what I have been told and read ( in that order) The Craft is about having balance in life. Once that balance is tipped the objective and intent is altered. I am looking for the trail that leads back to balance and this time around I hope I can avoid learning my previous lesions the hard way again.

I am on a Journey to re-discover who I was and who I am becoming.

I have been greatly humbled by all of you.  You called me on my shit, I was a danger because I liked to experiment even when I knew I didn't know enough to grantee a success and that no one would get hurt.
I toyed around with a lot of magic and it had some devastating consequences. Mirrors was a big one, some candle magic, and channeling/ healing incorrectly. 
But that's the way i was. visual, books didn't interest me, screw the instructions.

Of course, I was very sorely wrong about that. I needed to learn, wanted to learn how to do it safely and properly. I still do.

I call myself a seeker because I don't know anything. I am willing to learn if any of you would be willing to share that knowledge with me.
again I am very humbled.

That went well :-(  go fucking it all up, *sigh*. of course, that's what happens when I'm pissed off. I ruin every chance I had of learning. Wanna get back to the light. ha ha, as long as I act like this it'll never happen.
Of course I owe them an apology for my out burst. since that was all it was. None of them will miss me.yeah that sounds right. When am I gonna stop caring what others think of me? I've been places i never wanna remember. inside mirrors, dead...done things I wish i hadn't done. playing with double reversible candles, making lockets into binding spells.

Where did it start....
scarier when will it end....

Seems so simple doesn't it to just stop doing something. stop looking and start seeing. stop waiting start deciding. stop wallowing in the past and start living in the now.
I'm a mess. I know that.

And as for what I believe....There's a good chance I believe it because it was forced on me.
I am not a white and I'm not quite Black. But no where near Gray. Maybe Red.
I've said more then I should have. In any event I left because I'm tired of seeing covens and solitaries ripped apart.
Though I doubt any of you will.

I came to this Community (solitarywiccans) to learn. Learn how to turn around on a path that didn't serve me anymore. But, maybe that is one of the things I will have to find the answer to myself, just like the forgiveness I seek for what I have done for myself so I can move on. Maybe I'll never forget what, when,why, it happened and who it happened to ( the coven). But maybe I can forgive them. Because all They did  was try to save my life. And I can not fault them for that.

If Wiccagirls comes to the same conclusion as solitary wiccans. Then I will vouch to leave as well.

I just heard that in a recent survey one in seven adults don't know how to read. That to me is amazing. And here we are cutting funds and programs in the school system. What is the message They are trying to give Us? It's just the new thing that I learned today.

Welcome to my paige. I hope that your stay will be a exciting and pleasant, one. best of wishes to all, blessed be